I cried yesterday morning as I parked nearby the drug store. Again, another diagnosis with another test looming. I had a bit of a pity party feeling very sorry for myself. What has happened to me and my nose-diving health the past four years? Even before that with fibromyalgia I still had spit fire and a certain amount of vibrancy. Although I was in pain with this mystery illness, I learned how to get around at half throttle. This last blow got to me because my heart is possibly involved. I am still young yet oh so old. Sigh…
I have wanted to write to share about my journey since getting out of the hospital; however, on the other hand, I haven’t cared to write. A dilemma. I’ve been in a deeply reflective phase, and a rattle by death will do that to a person. I am trying to face my chronic illnesses with courage and grace. I do not want to grovel and whine as to why me. There is more to this than meets the eye or reason than I know, I feel this for sure. Either the illnesses are a part of my path or may well be my path.
“Sometimes a health crisis is one’s highest calling in life…” ~ Caroline Myss, Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond The Bounds Of Reason
There is a road before me. Another road. Metaphorically, yes. Physically, in a mist. The last road I traversed has crumbled behind me. The cathartic and mysterious energies hidden within me are connected with Soul and Source—Divine Spirit; although, this change has been in the making in the years of regeneration and transformation reveled in its progression. Many years and maybe many lifetimes. I stand alone now on this precipice. The empty space murmurs. I do not want to cling to the edge yet I do. My spirit is running ahead of me already flying in the empty space. Dare I leap? There is no there on this life road of mine.
I wonder at my blindness. Yes, I see what I think and perceive before me. There is more than my singular focus. Many times I have caught myself seeing, sensing and feeling there is something there but not yet fully materialized. It is like I catch a fleeting shadow or maybe, spirit. My heart catches. I wish I could express this in comprehensible words.
What is reality? How many realities do we face or ignore awake and asleep in dreamland? I wonder about realities awareness just in this life.
“When you face reality, give other realities you don’t know a chance to reach your mind.” -Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
My inclination to express mostly has been mum the past month. Mums the word. My words drew deep within me refusing any kind of written expression. All grew quite. When I would ask my inner writer self if she would like to do some writing, I received a resounding No!
“You do not need to know precisely what is happening or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered in the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” -Thomas Merton